I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
