Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
