and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
