you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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