But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
