Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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