I hate your face
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
