I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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