how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
