He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
