i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
