i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
