when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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