John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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