Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
