i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
