Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
