I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Michael Bay diarrhea
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
