is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
