Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
