Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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