I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
