FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
