u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
