My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
