Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
