nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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