Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
