i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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