made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
They took my balls.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
