When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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