So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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