White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
