I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
