I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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