The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
