I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
