Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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