if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
