i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The adults are the big ones right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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