the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
