i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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