Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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