I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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