I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
