My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
