"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
