You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
