Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
