dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
