the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
