I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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