I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
