My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
