We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
