i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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