hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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