Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
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Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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