I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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