i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
