based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Girls should come with a carfax report
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
