I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
where are my eyebrows?
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