All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
