There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
